I am bisexual and have know it my entire life and haven't known how to admit it to myself because I've been scared. Scared of how the world would view me. Scared of how my family would react But after 3 years where I'm at I finally have the courage to admit this to myself. And the world. I hope the people I love in my life understand and don't shun me for being myself.
Since Devin and I broke up every time I sit in Sunday school I say to myself it's like a room full of failed relationships. Devin, Aaron. I was in love with Aaron and I was devastated when we broke up. And Devin I was definitely falling for him that's for sure. And in a way I absolutely do love him. So sitting in a room with the two guys that have been there to help me grow and been there as I grow hurt. Thus I convinced myself it was a room full of failed relationships. Only it isn't. That room is a room full of progress and potential. These two boys as different as they are have helped me to realise that no matter how badly things end, no matter how irreparable a friendship seems: it can get better and it can be fixed. I'm not saying it will happen instantaneously but it will happen over time if the people truly care about you and you truly care about them. My Friends. My ex boyfriends. My crush. They have all hoped me to become who I am. And it makes me really happy to know that no matter where I go in my future. No matter how far away I go I will always have 4 people to come home to that love me in very different ways. One as a sister. One romantically. The other two I'm still trying to name but the fact still remains that they love me. And that's all that should matter. That's all that does matter. 1.Self confidence and belief 2.Stop cursing 3.Tell people how you feel 4. Be a good person Soooo I actually kept my 2013 resolutions. I'm so proud of myself. And in a fe minutes I'm going to post my 2014 resolutions. Whoo!!!! Why is it so hard for you to understand and realise that no matter how much of an asshole you are. No matter how much of a pig you are. No matter how much I want to punch you sometimes. I still really like you. And I can't tell this to anyone because I know nothing is ever going to happen between us. Why you ask ? Because I dated your brother and you see me as nothing more than a friend. And I don't think you realise that you break my heart every time I hear your laugh and look into your blue eyes. Because I know I can't have you. And that kills me. It's so hard for me to be your friend. But I also know I can't live without you in my life completely. I am on the edge of a wall and I'm struggling to stay up and keep my balance. And you don't help with your good looks and amazingly sweet (yet hidden from most of the world) personality. And I'm crying as I write these words because I don't know what to do. You are one of the most infuriating guys I know ***** ****. (Authors Note: If you know me you know whose name has 5 letters for the first name and 4 for the last. You know who make me feel like this) You know I absolutely love reading Nicholas Sparks books. They make you believe in love and happiness and all good things in the world. But the sad part of these books isn't when you find out the dark secrets the main characters are hiding. Nope the sad part of these books is when you put the book down. Not because its over. But because you come to a startling realisation about these books. Alex and Noah and Will and Landon don't exist. I wish I could find guys like them but they just don't seem to exist. These books give women a discoloured view on relationships and love. They believe the near impossible. And when we find out the truth sometimes it hurts like crazy. You know that feeling you get in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas? That anxiety for the most magical day of the year to come. When you wait and you wait and you wait for Christmas and then on Christmas Eve as your falling asleep you come to a startling realisation : you don't want tomorrow to come. You don't want the wait to be over. Because when Christmas is finally here the magic is lost. After the gifts come out from Under the tree and shed their wrapping paper skin all you are left with is new shiny things your going to loose interest with in a few weeks. And that's the same with waiting for all things. As much as we want to have that conversation we kind of dont because then you'll have your answer weather it be good or bad. And that's where I have trouble handling things. I can handle the anxiety but I can't handle it if my heart gets broken again tomorrow. I know it's not going to change our friendship but it'll take me that much longer to be ok again. And I thought I was done getting my heart broken for a while. I don't know. I just want things to go good tomorrow when we talk but knowing my luck ill end up crushed. And the worst part is I can't be mad at him because its just how he feels and no one can ever tell him what he feels is wrong. You were the greatest facilitator EVER You are so cool And you are definitely in the H.O.B.Y spirit over 115% I love you and thank you. What do I think of Mark? (Forms "O" with arms) *Clap* Whoo Thank you Thank you for being the best J-Staff member EVER! I will never forget you and all the OUTSTANDING things you have taught me this weekend at H.O.B.Y I definitely hope to see you next year as a J-Staff member I am so glad that H.O.B.Y changed my life and I know it's for the better. I love you Kate and will bother you all the time What do I think of Kate? (Forms "O" with arms) *Clap* Whoo I absolutely love your obsession with dragons and I totally get it because dragons are OUTSTANDING I am so thankful to H.O.B.Y for introducing us and I hope we remain friends for a long time after this experience. What do I think of Celina? (Forms "O" with arms) *Clap* Whoo |